Trying to fix the titanic with duct tape

Insomnia again....but stuff that has been on my mind...public novel length entry.

2009-12-02T10:39:42Z

Life is good, work is good, in love with my gf, more time with Bryan, friends, and family. My back is the best it has been since I first injured it. Financial life is even looking up, that is till the tax man gets to but rape me in the new year. Till then, I have paid off bills, helped keep the business afloat, and managed to spoil my loved ones. Even with all that I got the Wii, HDTV, blu ray player, harmony remote, and stand that 2 years ago I though I would never get.
Yet with all that, I find myself most thankful for who I have in my life. None of my relationships is perfect, but for once, I truly am greatful for that imperfection.
I found my best friend Mike again, and my life finaly feels right again. Without him it was like missing a limb. He is such a good guy with a truly genuine soul and intentions. It is so wierd, it feels like no time passed without him. Well other then me finaly being smart enough to realize just what a wonderful person he is and how fortunate I am to have him in my life.
I am not going to lie, there have been some majour setbacks. But none that I would allow to hinder my progress. My health isn't perfect, actualy I am backsliding some and the dr and I trying to figure out why. She is baffled since I am not on a weight gain pace like most people in my position, have actualy lost weight and eat better. She looked a bit scred, which is interesting, because this dr really chose her words and tried to make it an easy blow...new to me!
Dani, Bryan's sister isn't talking to me. We had a parting of ways. It happens with kids. I love her and she is still my daughter. This to shall pass....that is all I will say on that in order to respect her privacy.
Bryan....He is a lot healthier, a lot thinner, and growing up so very fast! Even his grades have come up....well for now...hoping they stay up! We are getting more time together, and I am able to provide, at least a little bit for him. Nothing majour, but mostly because I don't want Marcie to feel that I am stepping on her toes. So instead I do some spoiling if I can. She is doing a good job providing and I hope she knows it.
The xmas season is upon us. Last year I was all about making it wonderful for everybody else. About making Riley at home, feel loved, and love the bay area.
Man...what a dumbass I was! I was working for everybody else, and in the end nobody gave a crap about me....well Bryan did and always does. But from everybody else it was gimme gimme gimme, you aren't doing this, I want this, I need this.
Riley was a huge disappointment. He was the most selfish of the lot. He was the worst kind of love, the leech kind. The more I gave, the more he took, the more he wanted, and the less he gave back. My emtional, physical, and sexual needs were not met, and he had me convinced that it was my fault.

It took him telling me that I wasn't worthy for me to finaly open my eyes. To loo at our pattern. To look at my blind enabling. For me to sit down and think about my own self worth, and what I truly need and want in life and love. For me to own my half of it, and realize that I welcome all of that from him, I gobbled it up and begged for more.

Finaly, I realized so much more then words can say. I did a lot of self depricating to be honest. I also faced some ugly truths.

I wrote him off when he said that, way back in feb. Not even a year ago, but I feel like a different person. In the past, by now we would have made up, and once again been at that stupid stage where he promises me the world, and delivers me manure. Where I am miserable, counting down the hours till we talk, or visit each other. Spending every cent I make to please him. At this point though, I don't miss him. I don't want him in my life. I ignore friend requests, and can honestly say that I haven't looked at one of his profiles.
Purging myself of that poison, self inflicted as it was, allowed me to morph into who you see today. Or rather don't see. My life is no longer online, I only have yahoo and almost never chat. I won't lie, my computer is never far from me and almost never off. I am addicted to facebook games, and evony lol. But I can put it all down, and hold my gf.
Why? Because she is amazing! She is local! and SHE LOVES TO FREAKING CUDDLE PEOPLE! I am never starved for affection! She is smarter then me and it feels great! She is an individual and it is so amazing!
As a matter of fact I am flying to AZ to meet her family for New Years! Oh Bry digs her! She digs him! They LIKE spending time together so I don't have to choose!
The new me is even happier at home! I bitch less, but hell it's still me, I bitch! lol!
Today, to purge myself more of the old me I went through my closet. Filled up the recycle bin, and the garbage can all by myself. There was stuff in there from when I was still with Marcie! I have NEVER felt my room this empty! I feel lighter! My insomnia is actual EXCITEMENT! I have NO idea why...but I am so excited all the time these days that it is overwhelming.
OK so at the risk of ruining it....,
LIFE IS SMOTHER FUDGING AMAZING!

Yep, still have a pulse

2009-09-01T03:43:56Z

I am alive, and muddling through. Life is mostly amazing. I am in love with the crush I posted about before. We are in fact a couple as well. Work is almost stopped, and the biz may be hitting bankruptcy...my mom isn't doing well with all of this. Nothing I do or say helps, but I won't stop trying. I had Bry for a good chunk of the summer, he has really grown into a young man. I am so very proud of him, he isn't perfect, but he is still amazing. Heck, my gf who doesn't like kids, likes him A LOT. She plans activities that include him, and has food for him at her house. They wrestle, talk, play, harrass and tease each other. He keeps telling me that I bettet not mess this one up lol

Health wise, there was a scare....but it is taken care of....My belles palsy is acting up, but toward getting better....or well it feels like it anyway!

Mr Puppy, AKA Keeper, the dog we rescued last year for my birthday is amazing to! He fits in with the whole family. He is friendly, playful, quiet, housebroken, smart, and really communicative. We are debating getting him a companion, he is so amazing and loves other dogs and we want him to continue to be a healthy happy dog. He is MAD adorable to! Not that I am biased.

All of a sudden the wierdest thing has been happening. My exes that I thought I had made it clear to that I didn't want them in my life, have been sending emails, apologies, and friend requests....it's so odd...My gf is not the jealous type and honestly doens't care what I choose. Her only concern is my well being and what it could all mean. I am really just not sure about all of it.

I spent the past 2 hours catching up on reading the friends list, but no commenting....so yeah...hi all!

Just a reminder

2009-04-06T07:32:34Z

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." By Marianne Williamson

Something I love about my life

2009-03-14T19:16:11Z

I haven't been feeling well for a few week. Been in my pain cycle to be honest. Which I know is bad...but there is good this time..so bear with me...

This time, I haven't let the pain stop me. I have gone about life mostly like normal. I only had one day that it HAD to hold me back. I also managed without a lot of effort to not have it get me depressed....

So, despited feeling like crap lately, my life and my mood has been amazing. I got my Wii at last, been reading tqighlight a little. Keeper and I are going to a game night tonight, that includes other dogs. I am dating a bit. The LesBeGamers group I created looks like it is slowly but surely takign off.

Even things with the ex wife and I are going ok. All of us are banning together to try and help Bryan improve at school. Weds has been set aside as BryBry and Suggie night. I am teaching him how to cook,a nd we are talking about things. He is in a better emotional place, which I am hoping will start rubbing off on his school work. I am actualy going to be hiring a tutor for him, to help that as well.

So yeah...life is flowing along nicely....

I am loving and appreaciatiing it

Same update as on MySpace

2009-03-09T04:50:41Z

So....let's see here...what do I have to say....
Life is flowing along nicely. I wake up everyday and take it head on. Mr Puppy, AKA Keeper is fitting in nicely and adding love, and laughter to our lives.
Work, well it picked up. Getting more then I can handle, and that is just how I like things! The best thing about this job is that it is impossible to master. Everyday is different somehow. A challenge to overcome. Problem to solve.
Haven't had a lot of time for a social life, but I have been working on cramming it in.
Was dating somebody, but well...that was short lived. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing. Sweet, funny, affectionate, doting just all around great. Fact is she started pressuring me for a commitment, and when that didn't work, she said those 3 little words....So yeah it freaked me out. When that didn't net the results that she wanted, she basicaly decided she can't date me anymore.
Truth is, I respect where she is coming from. It's just that I feel it is more then likely infatuation. Well, that and she seemed to basicaly ignore a lot of what we talked about at first.
That I am poly usualy. That Riley and I just broke up, ended an engagment that was basicaly 6 or 7 years long. Stopped planning a wedding and a life together. There is no way I am at a point to commit to anybody, and it wouldn't be fair to them if I did. That I don't always fall in love with somebody. That even if I do, it takes a long time. Just a lot of important things I let her know up front, seemed to come as a huge shock to her all of a sudden.
It always makes me wonder....when I tell people this stuff....do they think it just doesn't apply to them? I mean, somebody says this stuff to me and it lets me know to enjoy what they have to offer, and not worry about more. It will come in time, and if it doesn't there are a lot of good memories.
So it's a shame, she really is a great person. In a lot of ways it's my loss. If we are lucky, in a few months we will have a friendship. If not, good memories I will cherish.
In other news....the LesBeGamers group is doing pretty well. We have had 2 meetings. The last one was a blast. Had 2 hotties show up, so I went into total shy auto pilot. Pretty sure I made an ass out of myself and I stutted the entire time lol Learned a new game I had been dying to learn for years...now I must buy it!
Mike and I are planning on going to Reno Pride this year. We (and by we I mean Mike) are doing the research and runnig the numbers....so YAY!
I am also getting closer to my Wii Fit bundle package....just gotta manage to save money instead of taking care of everybody else....
Trying to figure out how to find people to date again. Feeling like I am finaly ready to get out there and give it a real go. Feeling a lot better about myself, my place in life and what I have to offer...so basicaly...Bring it on!
Later Days!

Shopping poor skill

2008-12-02T05:27:15Z

This is a great site. If you shop AT ALL online that is. They give you cash back in the form of a check I think once a year. Today only it's DOUBLE cashback. Plus a lot of stores give speacial coupons just to them as well as free shipping other times.It's a free signup, they almost never email you. It's all the normal stores, so nothing out of the ordinary.

I kow shopping isn't usualy a poor skill, but getting cash back for free to do it is. No matter what time of year it is, Plus if you use me as a referal I get a little something...but you don't have to! I wouldn't make you or anything!

Here is my personal referal link....

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?id=SNztwR9YpPCYarpSCiwZeQ%3D%3D

Turkey day

2008-11-27T21:43:40Z

HAPPY GOBBLE GOBBLE DAY! I am giving thanks today for each and every one of you, as well as all the memories and uncontional love that it has been my honour to shower you with, whether you are aware of it or not! You are all love, cherished, and admired!

Roast and Fries Suggie Style

2008-11-25T00:06:08Z

The basic ingredients...will be stated in recipe below

Today is my brothers birthday. He and my mom banded together to beg for me to make my pot roast and baked tater fries. Since I won't share the recipe it turns into an event. My son, and his other parents are also coming.

I am going to make an attempt at sharing the pics so far. Sorry, but I forgot to get a pic of the roast pre crock pot numminess

Recipes:

Fries

4 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons beef or chicken boullion
Bowl of water
4-8 taters cut up in thin slices
Olive OIl
Salt & Pepper to taste
In our case we use Adobo and Pepper

1) Wash and slice taters
2) In a bowl combine all but the olive oil
3) Soak for 1-5 hours (depends what your family likes)
4) On a cookie sheet lay out foil
5) Sprinkle Adobo and Pepper over taters
6) Bake at 425 until golden brown and a bit crispy

Pot Roast Suggie Style

1 Roast 3-4 lbs should be more then ok
1 Can Rotel
1 Carrot
1 Onion
4-5 Garlic cloves
1 Package Sazon
1 Bottle or bag of sofrito (I made my own, the bottle is just for the pic)
3-4 Taters cubed
Adobo
Pepper

In a crock pot combine all veggies, sofrito, 1-2 cups water. Smother roast in a combo of the adobo, and pepper mixture. The adobo will be salty so please keep that in mind! Add meat to crock pot, as well as package of Sazon. Cover and cook on high until roast is at desired tenderness. My family like the veggies mushy, which is why I add them early...but that is totaly up to you!

Enjoy!

Writer's Block: Nature Gone Wild

2008-11-13T22:44:05Z

Field mice always sleep facing northwest. Kangaroos can't walk backwards. Female hyenas have penises. Let's face it, nature is weird. What's the strangest thing you know about the animal kingdom?

Submitted By kaley_93

View 500 Answers

To me the wierdest thing is Lemmings. This is why (taken from wikipedia):

While many people believe that lemmings commit mass suicide when they migrate, this is not the case. Driven by strong biological urges, they will migrate in large groups when population density becomes too great. Lemmings can and do swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat On occasion, and particularly in the case of the Norway lemmings in Scandinavia, large migrating groups will reach a cliff overlooking the ocean. They will stop until the urge to press on causes them to jump off the cliff and start swimming, sometimes to exhaustion and death. Lemmings are also often pushed into the sea as more and more lemmings arrive at the shore.

I'm a big boi now!

2008-11-13T20:02:23Z

Well, really...my birthday was yesterday. It was the bestest ever for me! Lot's of friends, lot's of love. I also finaly fixed that drivers lisence thing! WOOT! Lot's of loot to! lol I know it's wrong to say that, but it's the first time I have gotten so many.

The party itself is on saturday, it's a small thing. All geeking/dorking out. Mongolian bbq then off to Dave & Busters....YAY!

It's official, Riley is flying out for xmas AND new years! A 10 day visit! He has never been to California before so he is really excited.

As of next week I am working again, not full time, but as much as I can get in until I can fix the brakes on the honda, then I will be full time. WOOT!

I have 2 surgeries coming up. nothing majour, but part of my bday was spent getting all that testing done.

We got a puppy for our birthdays! He is just over a year old and 50 or so lbs. His name is Keeper, and they think he is border collie and bull terrier like spuds MacKenzie. He is way beyond hyper, and a total sweetheart that lives to play and cuddle.

There are a ton of new pics of Keeper, some of me, and soon of all the bday stuff on my new myspace

www.myspace.com/suppersuggie

Overall to sum things up....life is going amazingly well and I am doing my best to give thanks for it as often as possible to the greater powers, and all the people involved in my life.

As for now, I am starving so I am gonna go have a slice of that mint chip on chocolate cake ice cream cake my daughter got me!

Later days!

I don't post much anymore

2008-09-26T05:06:35Z

Not becuase there isn't anything happening, just because I feel like I post here to get feedback. Which I do get from a few people, but those are people I also tend to talk to or be able to contact one on one. SO I am thinking about the direction this journal should and will take. I am afterall a very different person then I used to be. As are all of you. Therefore this journal should grow and change to better reflect all of that....

Other then that, when my finger heals there will be a nice long and I am sure boring entry all about what's going on in my head.

A very public entry

2008-07-08T22:03:15Z

This entry is to serve more then one purpose. I want to let everybody know what is going on in my life. I also however want to make it clear to some of you why you are getting the reactions and treatment from me that you are.

Just to make things clear. While this is a public entry, it is not so I can put my life out for the world to see. It's so that those looky loos out there will derive the sick and twisted pleasure from my misery that they seem to need in order to survive. After all, I always try and meet everybody elses needs before my own right?

On with the show:

The most important and majour thing is King. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor this morning. King has been a loyal, loving dog for 10 years. More then that he has been a member of my family and more ofthen then not a medicine for me during my darkest hours.

He has been so good to us, and loved us without condition. Despite his breed, he has proved to be nothing but a kind, loving, affectionate, gentle soul. With that in mind, and wanting to have him leave this world as much like his original self as possible, we will be putting him down Monday afternoon at 2 pm.

For any and all of you that have known, and come to love him, you will have until then to say your goodbyes. You all know how to reach me in order to schedule a time to do so.

That being said, the only 2 days not open for others are Sunday and Monday. Sunday in all honesty I have a date that was scheduled before this appoitment, it is with somebody new and understanding of what I am going through, as well as supportive, so I will not be rescheduling it. I want him to meet the dog that he has heard so much about. Monday, you can all understand is our last day with him, and the family wants to keep it just for us.

Now other then King here are the minor players in my life:

Work is going ok. Not working with Billy till I get my liscense back. I am trained enough and he has made other arrangments. This way I can run my biz and have it run smoother when I do start working for him.

Along those lines, this biz is doing ok. We need more monthly income of course, but are looking at some cash flow soon.

Renee and I are having issues. None that I feel like going into detail about because this is a public entry and I feel that it would be disrespectful to do so. Also, any of her friends can read this and that would make it more so. It is never my intention or desire to disrespect or hurt anyone. The problems, I hope, will just be concidered a bump in the road of our friendship.

I lost a friend this week, not to death mind you, but due to her choice to cross a line. It is rare that I set boundaries. Actualy it is really hard for me to do so. However I did, and the choice has been made. Regardless of how she may feel about it, I am mourning that loss.

Riley...there is a name you don't see here much anymore. He and I are in contact again. We are just friends. What he desires, I think is more then that, but that is all I am able to give him right now. Together we have apologized for the past, talked it out, and feel that we can move on from it.

Drew and I are also having issues. Those are due to a lot of the same reasons Renee and I are. Therefore they will, as well, be worked out.

Bottom line friend wise. I am having a real shitty time with the ones I have. However they mean to much to me to give up easily on the friendships. Hopefuly they will get used to and accept the new Suggie, and the fact that I love myself to much to allow the to disrespect, or otherwise hurt me, as I would never do so to them.

Now as for the new person I am dating. Again, I am not sharing to much about him. He is a trans male, very nice, and so far I am just really enjoying his presense in my life. I am not sure where it is going, and I am ok with that.

Health wise. I got great news! My health coverage is continued. So I can get my meds refilled and see a dr about some recent issues I have been having. All in all I am really stoked about that.

So after all that, you can all think what you want. Say what you will. But it's all facts as I see them. It is all what I am dealing with in my life right now. If you can't support me in what's going on, at least don't waste your time kicking my while I am down.

You know who you are about that last statement. I can already hear your laughter and snickering. It's ok though, becuase if that is what it takes to make you happy, that makes me a sad, sad panda.

I finaly got my first tat!

2008-06-10T22:25:15Z

Good talks with good friends

2008-06-01T19:29:07Z

Have a magical way of healing ones soul. Even if there isn't a resolution, just the talk. Something about rehashing things, re evaluating, and seeing them from anothers point of view. Every once in awhile you can even manage closure without having to revisit the situation or individuals you are talking out.

Seriously, friends are like our everyday superhero. They are all to often taken for granted, forgotten, or somehow otherwise dismiessed. Of course, they accept it, and often don't think twice about it because they do the same thing.

Yet look at how amazing they are. There to pick us up when we fall, gllue our broken hearts, give us soup when we are sick, laugh at us when we make cheesy inside jokes, watch the movies that we are to ashamed to tell our other friends about, and if need be, just be period.

Today, I am taking this moment to put this out there for all of my friends here. As always, I will try and take moments here and there to thank the superheros in my life.

Anonymously

2008-05-30T18:46:07Z

Anonymously compliment me.
Anonymously ask me something you've always wanted to know.
Anonymously say something you've always wanted to tell me.
Anonymously tell me a secret.
Anonymously tell me what, if anything, reminds you of me.
Anonymously tell me what, if anything, makes you wish you were me.
Anonymously tell me what, if anything, makes you glad you're not me.
Anonymously tell me how you would describe me to someone.
Anonymously give me a hint as to who you are.

For this post, and this post alone I have enabled anon comments!

Correction to last post

2008-05-30T18:44:20Z

The LAST person I mentioned and I are no longer talking eithier but she is NOT with my ex friend. That is the person I was dating before her, that I wrote a lot more about in here and my blog on myspace. The LAST one kicked me to the curb for treating her to well *shakes head* Womyn are SUCH stupid salads!

On "Making" people happy

2008-05-30T09:48:33Z

Now before I x post what I put in my blog, there are some updates.

1) I am no longer seeing the person I reffered to last here. She and my now ex friend actualy hooked up behind my back.
2) I have gone and come back from New York. A certain person who is a friend on here flaked on me in the coldest most hurtful way. It may actualy be the end of a friendship that I held in high esteem, valued and kept close to my heart. As I thought she did as well. I was clearly wrong, and it hurts very deeply.
3) I am having a moral dilema with a friend of nearly 10 years. She and I had a fling 5 years ago, that was based on a lot of things she said. Things she has never taken back, denied, or changed her feelings or thoughts on. She however chose somebody else. That relationship is going down the tubes. I feel bad for her. Truthfuly though I feel worse for her wife and the other woman she appears to have set her sites on to be her rebound,. She is also sposed to spend time with me on my next biz trip and has made her intentions more then clear. They vary from mine. HOWEVER I have nothing to lose, and she knows how I feel about sex, speacialy casual sex, speacialy casual sex on biz trips!
4) I am working on trying to get my drivers liscense back. It will cost a small fortune and may even include jailtime if I get a nasty nudge. All for 2 speeding tickets I was lied to about having been paid off.
5) I am still sleeping with my friend Renee. Still haven't fallen for each other. Still going at it like bunnies on the BDSM version of the discoverey channel. However our friendship has grown a lot closer as well. It's almost like we are dating without actualy doing it. We even talk about the other people we date. It's all so odd, but so wonderful. I am loving it. Treating her like a gf without having to feel that way has really boosted my mood. It's so great being able to have all the benefits of treating somebody that way without any of the commitment, expectation, or pressure.

And now for the post from myspace since all the updates are NOT on there.

You know, it never ceases to surprise me how often people say things like:

She MAKES me so happy!

I hope I can MAKE her happy!

She MAKES me angry

-------(fill in the blank) MADE me say it

_____(fill in the blank) MADE me do it

______(fill in the blank) MADE me feel ____ (fill in emotion)

_____ (fill in the blank) MADE me think.......

I am SO perturbed by hearing this. It isn't just a verbal statment we make. These are things I read in others blogs as well. We all say one or more of those at some point in our lives, it is inevitable (wow my spelling sucks more then usual). I have been just as guilty of this as anybody else, don't get me wrong. So please don't take this as hypocritical rambling.

Bottom line is this:

NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU DO, THINK, SAY, BE, OR FEEL ANYTHING!

These are things that we CHOOSE to think, feel, be, say, or do everything. It may not be something that we are aware of on a concious level. But the reality is that it is a choice. However automatic it is at this point in your life based ..xperiences, reactions and so forth....it is in fact choice.

Now before you all freak out and get ready to comment or write me nasty emails let me clarify some more..or at least expand and make something else very clear.

We ALL can and do CONTRIBUTE, to what somebody says, does, thinks, or feels. Just becuase we don't make the choice for them, doesn't mean that we don't own 50% of the blame for being a part of the given circumstances.

This is something that we should be constantly aware of. Along with the first rule of the hypocratic oath that health professionals take: "First, do no harm". If that rule doesn't work for you, here are a couple others:

"What goes around, comes around"

and who can forget

"Treat other the way you want to be treated"

This is something that I personaly struggle with. The old me was filled with anger, remorse,regret, and vengefulness. All natural human emotions. All emotions that I had and have every right to. As does any human being.

However you know what else those emotions were?

UNHEALTHY

Yep...extremly so. I was a very unhealthy person, not just mentaly and emtionaly, but physicaly. It took a toll on my body. A near death one. Several times. I honestly feel that the reason I didn't die any of those times, was becuase with each experience I learned more about myself. I worked harder on being a better person. I learned to love a new aspect of life and myself. To at least try and teach this to my kids, friends, and loved ones. Basicaly to live by example, GOOD AND BAD. With each near death experience I recovered with a renewed and rejuvenated zest and passion for life.

But I digress...

I am just saying that we all need to keep what I have said here in mind. It is something that is a constant effort and requires just as much work as it seems. But it is worth every single bit of it. I promise.

On old lady voices

2008-03-12T22:44:32Z

On old lady voices…

Ok people…I know you hate these…or rather love to hate them. This is one of my thoughtful observation posts.

I was on a red eye flight from SFO to Dallas last night. Right now, I am on an early am one to Ft Myers. Its funny how flying as a fat boy is bad enough, but as a disabled one it’s just plain gruesome. However, life is what you make of it, as are the situation in it.

With that in mind I set out on this trip with high hopes, tons of patience, lots of smiles (or what passes for them with bells palsy) and low expectations. Which, I find is the best way to go about air travel in this day and age.

Overall it went smoothly, a bit rushed. Not treated very well at the security check in by somebody on the last 5 mins of her shift. But overall it was smooth and I was grateful.

It was on that red eye that the idea for this blog came rushing at me like a cheerleader to pom poms.

See, my mom and I got seated together on a 100% full flight…for once being a frequent flyer mile customer pays off! When we got to our seat, there was an elderly woman sitting there. My mom had boarded first because this damn laptop didn’t want to shut down.

As I am approaching you see the horror creep into her eyes. You can also see the attitude form. She even tried avoiding eye contact. I guess someplace in her mind, if she didn’t look at me I would either lose 75lbs, or magically have another seat.

When I finally get there, in a butt load of pain mind you…I smile sweetly, and ask in my very sweet retail customer service tone “Excuse me please, I seem to have the middle seat”. She literately snarled at me, but got up. With groans though and tried to rush me into my seat.

As I sat there waiting for the plane to take off, I tried to think of ways to charm her. Not an easy feat as a mostly shaved headed, fat boi dyke, in the middle seat of a packed red eye plane. I mean this would rank right up there I think with teaching our past presidents the state capitols and how to spell tomato. She began to speak with her friend across the aisle…..my ears I think may have begun to bleed instantly.

Why? Because she and her friend both had old lady voices. Now I had never really noticed this phenomenon before. But sitting there as one of about 200 passengers young, old and everything in between it became crystal clear.

Think about it….as kids we have one, and then over as a teen, as an adult we have yet another one….but in old age there is another very distinct one. One that goes from zero to nagging faster than a NASCAR ramming into a sidewall.

When does this happen? Why don’t we notice it? Can we stop it?

While I am at it…..when do we lose clothing choices?! Have you noticed that suddenly the fashion goes from jeans, polo’s, slacks, board shorts that kind of stuff…to Hawaiian print shirts, leisure suits, white loafers, floral prints, and matching knit sets?

The world may never know……

Single is...

2008-03-12T22:40:34Z

Single is…

Or rather should be…..

Enjoyed for one. Who says that you need another person to complete you? If you do need that, what are you in fact lacking within yourself? What can they provide that is essential to your breathing or existence? Did you not exist before them? Will you not continue to do so when and if they are gone?

I mean let’s face it. Before Mr. or Mrs. wonderful was in our lives we had lives! We had good times and bad. We created memories. There were accomplishments, achievements, trials and tribulations.

It’s a chance to grow. No I don’t mean into those big boi pants that you have had your eye on for months. I mean into an even better you. You can take a class, read a book, start a new workout regimen, and meet new friends. This leads us into the next thing.

It is a chance to broaden our horizons. Open your eyes! Look around you! There is something new to learn and do every day! Somebody new to meet! They don’t have to end up your new BFF, but each and every person that we come into contact with changes the course of our lives in some shape, way or form.

When you are single it’s time for you to look yourself in the mirror and say something like this to yourself:

“This is MY chance to seize life, live it by my own rules, and please myself. This is MY chance Become an even better me! I don’t need ANYBODY to be an amazing SOMEBODY! I AM an AMAZING somebody!”

It’s a chance to rejoice. In life, love, friendship, family, and the fact that you have been gifted with another day on this plane of existence that we all share.

Last but not least…and I hope the most obvious…..

Single is NOT the end of the world! It is the end of your world the way you knew it for whatever period of time. BUT……

It is the birth of a NEW world, a NEW you, and NEW experiences in life. Welcome it with open arms, an open heart, open mind, and patience. With a good attitude about it, it can be the best time in your life.

Wonder why I seem only journal at this hour

2008-02-26T10:48:28Z

Can't sleep. Been dealing with insomnia about a month. For a few weeks there I thought there was a possibility with somebody. Then suddenly a little over a week ago hy pulled a vanishing act. Haven't heard a single uttered word since then. I am more confused and pissed then any other emotion. I mean really, I almost expect it these days. I do my best not to, to hold out hope, to believe that there is somebody out there that is real when they say all that they do to me. Yet, I am proven wrong every single time. I could sit here and blame it all on them, but we all know me better.

See I want to own my 50 percent of whatever went wrong. This time, there was literaly no sign of this. I mean we were laughing on the phone, then all of a sudden I was told to hold on, and that was the last I heard from hym. This time I don't know anyone who talks to hym, so hy is literaly vapor in my life. So I will never know what went wrong, *shrugs*

Other then that not much is going on in my life. I have kept myself busy with the biz. Actualy we decided that by 2009 I will be running the entire thing. I have made 2 deals so far, both due to close in the next 30 days or so. After that, there will be some cashflow to the biz. After that is able to pay our bills monthly I will finaly be getting a pay check.

Until then, I don't get paid. I think I see 20 bucks a week if I am lucky actualy. Which means even feeding myself has been hard. Been managing though.

King seems to be stuck in depressed mode. He shows signs of improvment here and there. We are holding out hope. Don't think we could handle putting both our dogs down within 12 months time.

Going to Florida in March for a biz trip. Hoping to find people that are wanting to meet and hang out a few of the nights. So far I think I did find one person, we will see. She is really fit and healthy, and I am SO not. I have made sure to be honest though, so she knows this going in. If she wants to be uber active we won't get along. So far though we seem to be hitting it off as friends, which rocks.

So overall I am just really lonely lately. I am unwilling to settle though, so there won't be an end to it anytime soon. Going to have to learn ways of not feeling so down about it. It's not like I mind being single. Guess it was just that damn glimpse and glimmer of hope for more that ruined the content zone I had finaly hit. Now I am right back to hopeless, and dejected, and of course let's not forget rejected.....AGAIN.

Bored yet? I am betting so...so I am gonna go ahead and end this blog now...

LATER DAYS!!!!!!!!!

Opening emails in the middle of the night is never a good idea

2008-02-07T10:33:03Z

So, about 15 mins ago I opened an email. In it was an obit. To who? you ask

http://www1.pressdemocrat.com/article/20080206/NEWS/802060401/1052/OBITS

To another adult I have fond memories of as a child. On a hippy commune where drugs run like water, clothing is a mythcial creation, and sex is the national past time....it's hard to find the not so creepy people. Sometimes, there is one or 2 if you are lucky.

Me, I got real lucky, there were about 5 or 6. Coyote was one of them. Always a smile, and interesting fact. Never to high to answer a questin, or help you fix something. A funny scraggly beard that itched. Even when he was to sick to move, he was well enough to make you laugh.

A few years ago, when I took my son to the commune for the first and only time, Coyote watched him trying to climb the maypole and offered suggestions. He then turned to me, and told me how proud my father would have been of me. When I mentioned Bry not being my birth son, he just laughed, nodded, shrugged his shoulders and said "Maybe not from your body, but he is from your heart and soul, and that is what makes him your son. If you never learned anything else from your childhood, it should have been that. Well it is obviously that isn't it? He looks just like you did at his age trying to conquer that thing!"

He survived HIV for nearly 20 years, only to be taken down by a heart attack. What a sad victory. Without him, a lot of treatments today for HIV would not have come about. Always a champion for helping however he could.

Honestly, I can't remember him talking about his disease. Or anything remotly negative. It wasn't something that he did, I am not even sure if he thought that way.

To this day, he and his wife are part of what gives me any semblance of hope for there being somebody out there for me. 29 years. Each and every glance in her direction filled with love, respect, and sometimes even passion lol.

He will be missed, by so many. More then even he knew. I can only imagine how Denise is taking it, I hope everybody is rallying around her in this time of need. If it were my place, I would do so as well. I am however just one of the commune kids, my place is to just keep him in my heart and memory.

I will, I think, write a poem for him. I have done so for ever adult/elder that has passed. It is the least I can do right?

I will not apologize for who or how I am

2008-01-08T07:23:51Z

See, it's been one of those days. You know the ones, where everybody seems to forget what you are like. Where everything you say to everyone seems to be the wrong thing.

Let's clarify a bit:

I am VERY sensitive. I try and cover it and mask it with sarcasim. With jokes, with just about anything but whatever is "healthy" Now what's worse is that for some reason, sometimes I lack that little thing in my brain that tells me when to stop. When the joke has gone to far or to long.

Sometimes I am really just joking around. I am really ok, and I am just trying to kid around good humouredly. But since the jokes are usualy born from hurt, I guess on level they can never really just be joshing around.

Tonight, on 2 seperate occasions I apparently pissed people off. Now mind you, that was NOT my intention at ALL. A lof ot the time I am more of a docile push over type person. It's just that lately I am speaking up for myself a lot more. So you combine with the other part of my personality and you have potential ugliness.

I am not gonna lie, I am 50% in the wrong. I would have to have my head up my ass to not know that. That doesn't mean that I will apologize though. If these situations had never have occurred I would have nothing to be upset or hurt by. Nor did I volunteer in any way for eithier situation.

So if I am still hurt by it months later, don't be surprised. Nobody told you to prematurely reject me based on location. I hadn't put myself out there and it fucking stings. It won't stop anytime soon. Doesn't mean I want to be with you, but hell yeah I am gonna joke about it with you. It isn't something somebody lives down. When their ego thinks that they need to reject somebody who hadn't offered anything or put themsleves out there. Speacialy not when just months later you are all caught up in somebody out of your time zone, I mean really? come on now! There are SO MANY OTHER REASONS TO HAVE REJECTED ME MAN!!!!!!!! Besides, I am sitting here ROOTING for it to work out for the 2 of you! It's not like I am trying to sabotauge it. I am teasing you cuz it's fucking cute! Chill the fuck out man, I am happy for you and pulling for you to.

As for the other person, again I own my part. I won't apologize, I will however try and stop teasing you about it.

Basicaly people....this is me...it's how I am. I make no apologies for it. It's not changing anytime soon. Like Drew says "Fuck you if you can't take a joke"

Nuff said!

Later days!!!!!!!

Besos Para Trouble!

So this is xmas

2007-12-26T09:35:42Z

Let's see if anyone can get past the whole "What I got, and got other people, did they measure up, is it good enough, did they spend enough on me" frame of mind.

I got a few gifts, I won't lie. I also gave a few. Mostly cheesecakes and candy I made myself.

What I got though that means the most to me is a lot of love. My older brother is here unlike the past 4 or 5 years. My kids are healthy. My best friend survived the fire that destroyed his apartment 3 weeks ago. My mom and I started a business, which shows true faith in me. So I also got faith.

I also got a mostly clean bill of health from dr.s. So I am not spending 4 days a week being treated like a science experiment.

Self esteem. Self worth. Self confidence. New higher levels of self love.

I think I may be the luckiest richest person in the world becuase of what I got.

Peace, Love, Respect, and Happiness to all. Not just today, but all year, and all life long.

I learned a lesson this year

2007-12-15T03:12:26Z

Well, ok I have learned a lot of lessons. Some of them were a long time coming, others were new and smacked me with a needle ended flogger. Now to be honest I had written out what I thought was a halfway decent free form writing version of the lesson earlier. Then, all it took, was windows vista freezing on me for it to go bye bye. So instead of that version you will get the basic blunt version.

Earlier this year I got into a relationship with somebody I had known for 6 years. For 3 of them he wanted notihng more then to be with me. I wasn't ready. Finaly though it felt right, so I went in full steam ahead....ok well hell we all know better...but I dipped my toe in.

Everything was amazing at first. I made sure to convince myself of this. There were excuses made, changes made, and allowances afforded nobody else. Allof it by me for him.

How did that happen? easily for him. After knowing me so long and hearing about the good, bad and ugly of lovers past he had the master plan to my my brain and heart. Knew what to say and how to say to get what he wanted. I admit that on some level I knew, I just KNEW it.

Now because I knew it, I have to take my blame in it. But at the same time, it's also what woke me up. As a matter of fact in a twisted way I am thankful for it.

Not for the broken promises, heart or spirit. But for what this brief relationship brought into my life.

So first the lesson, then what all of this has brought into my life.

The lesson (s):

I will no longer deal with anything that even closely resembles any of the following:

I hate you, please love me: Come on do I have to point out whats wrong with that?

I am perfect, I refuse to change, but you must change to be with me: He thought he was perfect and said so.

I don't want you, but I don't and can't handle others wanting you or your wanting/being with others: Oh COME ON! WTF! How psycho does that sound?

Saying one thing, but doing another: Really how hard is it to follow your words up with actions?

Fish should and do flip and flop, humans on the other hand should not: It's eithier or, not one way one minute then different the next. You want me or you don't. You don't HAVE to. But if you say it one minute try and stick with it for say 5 ok?

Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is open to interpetation: You know me, I save ALL my archives. When something goes down I go back over them. I need to check myself and apologize when it is warrented. It is AMAZING how the pot will call the kettle black thinking it's white. If any of you don't believe me, and you and I had an issue, ask me I have the archives. If I read them and I was an asshat, expect an apology.

I am not the only one that needs to get over themself: Yeah people I know I have a huge ego in some regards, but in others I have almost no self esteem. However, when my head gets to big my friends will pop it for me and I think love doing it. However he and others REALLY REALLY REALLY need to get over themselves.

I can communicate without lashing out, or being mean. AKA golden rule, I can and will treat you the way I want to be treated: I don't care what you say, how you say it, or how it makes me feel...I don't have to try and do the same to you, and I won't. I would rather end the argument on ANY positive note that I can so as to salavage a friendship:

I have little to no tolerance for any of this: Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me and have a nice life.

Now to the positives.

My confidence: It's at an all time high.

Me self esteem: Also at an all time high.

I learned that I take things pretty slow: Riley 6 years before anything. Nikki 2-4 months between phone and dating before anything, before her it was a year or so and that person was 3 years knowing them. New years eve woman, 6 years we have known each other and this is our first meeting. I have lost out on a lot of chances, always been ok with that. Not sure if I want to speed things up in my dating and gf process, but I need to look at it.

I tend to hold people to a much higher standard then others: This has me let down a lot so I have decided to just hold them to their word. Their word is their truth and promise to me as is mine.

There is somebody out there who will think I am the 8th world wonder inside and out: I have my entire life to find them, as they do me. Until then I am my own miracle. So are the kids.

I have the righ to say what I want in here as others do where they chose: I don't however have the right to attack them on what they put elsewhere, nor do they me on what I put in here. Not making them read it now am I?

Ok I think I am done for now. Besides knowing me there will be another entry late tonight I think I should end this better but I am pretty tired. Late nights on the phone with treasured friends take their toll on a Suggie you know.

Thanks for reading though!

Later days!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something you may not know

2007-12-14T06:22:24Z

There is something you may not know

You don't know, because I don't know

I won't know until it is time for me to acquire that knowledge

Not knowing is a knowledge in and of itself

In the meantime I plan on enjoying the bliss of ignorance

Bliss afterall comes in so many ways

From the twinkle in ones eye

To the butterfly kissess shared by lovers past, present and future

Watching your child have a new experience

The smell coming off a field of flowers after the first spring rain

The famliar favourite meal of your childhood when you come home as an adult

Hitting the winning run just one time in your life

The first time you hear those 3 little words coupled with that look in their eye

Getting your hands on that high school diploma

Every single time that little hand reaches for yours

That first bite of real solid food after being ill

Waking up, each and everytime to live another day, another minute

One can find bliss in many forms, places, and ways

It has become a passion of mine

That passion, by the way is another bliss